Inevitability
Rating: O18W for graphic sex
This story takes place three days after the last episode of The Macross Saga. This probably isn't very "canon" since I've fudged a lot about the possible details of the evacuation of New Macross and Lisa's promotion. I'm more interested in the characters, not technicalities.
This is for Erika. Here's the "happy first time" you wanted!
Pain. Dense, weighted, enervating. I sat cross-legged on
the bed, eyes unfocused, unseeing. I had this irrational
sensation that every nerve ending in my body was exposed
to the air, the slightest breeze agony to endure. Today is
the third day, I thought. The third day without...
Without...
I felt yet another sob welling up inside of me and grudgingly
allowed it to surface. It clenched my body like a vise as it
burst free. Damn them, I thought. Damn them...
yes...>
"No!" I grabbed a pillow and threw it across the room with
all my strength. It landed soundlessly on the floor.
"No..."
For the hundredth time in the past few days my mind whirled
with the same questions. How do I get through this? How
do I go on from here? How do I live up to what they expected
of me, the legacy they've bestowed upon me? How do I go
about honoring them when all I want to do is curl up and die?
As if in answer I heard the faint sound of a key turning in the
lock of the front door. Rick. He had been surprisingly strong and
sympathetic these past few days, taking care of me, getting me
out of New Macross immediately to protect me from the
skyrocketing radiation levels that resulted from Khyron's
attack. He even stayed with me the first couple nights to make
sure I'd be all right, didn't do anything drastic. Last night I'd forced
him to go home to his own temporary housing, since I needed the
time alone anyway.
And he loved me.
It was still difficult to comprehend, that after all this time, all the
fighting and hopelessness and yearning, that he had finally realized
it, admitted to me. Thank God. Because right now it was the only
thing anchoring me to reality. Without him I had a feeling I'd just
float away, becoming a ghost along with the rest of the SDF-1
bridge crew.
"Lisa?"
"In here," I called.
He appeared in the bedroom doorway, his eyes dark with worry.
"How're you doing?" he asked quietly.
I just looked at him. Was pain audible?
"I know, I know," he said, sitting down next to me on the bed and
taking me into his arms. "I, uh, I missed you last night. I spent the
whole night wondering how you were."
"I'm sorry," I said into his shirt, gratefully breathing in the scent of
him. "But I just...needed some time by myself, to try to sort things
through."
"I know." He stroked my hair with a surprisingly gentle touch. I was
still trying to get used to his being so tender with me. "Hey, I brought
you some soup."
I managed to crack a small smile at that. "Is that your answer to
everything? Soup?"
"Well, yeah, that," he said defensively, "and this..." He tilted my chin up
and kissed me. As his strong arms encircled me I let myself go limp,
enjoying the feel of his embrace as my only support.
For a fleeting moment I felt safe. When our lips parted I hugged him
tightly, feeling fresh tears welling once more.
"I'm glad you're here," I whispered.
"Me too."
We sat in silence then, and I think he sensed that there was
nothing else for me to say. I was glad he was there. And that
was all I could be glad of, certain of, for the moment, and
he understood, thank god, he understood and was willing
to just let me be.
The phone rang, shattering the quiet.
"I'll get it," Rick said. He kissed the top of my head before
getting up and reaching for the phone, and the casually intimate
gesture sent a small thrill rippling through the fog of grief
surrounding me. "Lisa Hayes' residence, Captain Rick Hunter
speaking.
"Can I ask what this is regarding?
"Well, you'll just have to tell the council that
Captain Hayes won't be able to make the meeting today."
Council. Captain. Meeting. The words snapped me alert,
reminded me with a painful shock that there was still a world
out there, that I still had a job to do. And other than Rick,
what else did I have left now, besides my job? Besides my
duty to those who had sacrificed themselves for me? I didn't
want to leave this room, this insular pocket of depression, but
I suddenly realized that in order to honor them I had to.
As I came to this realization, Rick continued his mini-tirade
on the phone. "She's in mourning, for Christ's sake. She's not
in any condition to --" He stopped when he saw me holding my
hand out for the receiver. Our eyes met, held unwavering.
Finally, he frowned disapprovingly and handed it over.
"Captain Hayes speaking," I said, glad that my voice sounded calm,
professional. "Where and when is this meeting?"
"1300 hours, at the Central conference room on Fokker Base,"
the feminine voice on the other end informed me.
"Fine, I'll be there. Thank you." I handed the receiver back to Rick,
feeling a slight sense of purpose resurge within me. He eyed me
anxiously as he hung up the phone.
"Are you sure you're up to this?" he asked.
"I have to be, Rick. It's my life," I said simply.
He frowned, and I hoped a lecture wasn't forthcoming. "You're
entitled to some downtime."
"And I suppose you're doing the same? Or is it another Rick
Hunter who's been organizing the evacuation of New Macross
while I've been sitting around here moping?" I said challengingly.
"That's different, Lisa. It's an emergency situation, and --"
"And I think what you're doing is wonderful. I...I love you for
it." God, it still wasn't all that easy for me to say! "But please don't
try to keep me from doing the same."
He blew out his breath with a sigh. "You're right. I'm just...
worried about you."
I shrugged, although I felt as if my insides were breaking.
"I'm worried about me, too. But I do have a job to do. And
now..." I fought back the tears, tried to keep my voice from
cracking. "...now there are less people around to do
it. I have to make sure that the diplomatic mission goes forward,
that Admiral Gloval's vision isn't --"
Rick cut me off, pulling me to him and kissing me lightly on the
forehead. His lips left a warm lingering sensation on my skin. "I
know. Just don't try to do it all by yourself, okay?"
I nodded, resisting the urge to cross my fingers behind my back.
"Will you come back tonight?"
"Count on it."
****
I was relieved to discover that Rick hadn't arrived at my place
yet when I got home. I was still reeling from the day's events,
and needed some time to process it all.
They'd promoted me to Admiral.
In the wake of recent losses and execution of her duties under
fire, etc., etc., etc., and the urgent need for strong leadership,
etc., etc., etc., Captain Lisa Hayes is hereby promoted to
Admiral Lisa Hayes.
Admiral Hayes. I didn't think I'd ever get used to it. My
father had been Admiral Hayes. Besides, I wasn't
an Admiral, an Admiral was someone great, a natural leader,
someone like Admiral Gloval --
I could feel the tears threatening again, the tightness in my throat,
the sourness in my stomach. Oh god, they were really gone...
I don't remember much after that, just wave after wave of tears and
pain, until finally Rick was there, holding me, trying vainly to convince
me that everything would be okay.
When the tears finally ebbed, I pulled back from him and hunted
for a tissue in my pockets.
"Hold on," Rick said. He reached into one of the paper bags sitting
on the coffee table -- apparently he'd stopped at the market on his way
over, unbelievable, he was being a veritable prince and I just
couldn't get over it -- and pulled out a box of tissues and
handed it to me.
I smiled at him gratefully. "Mind reader."
"One of my many talents."
"How did it go today?" I asked when I had finished blowing my nose,
hoping to put my crying spell behind us.
His brow furrowed. "As well as can be expected, I suppose. There
are a lot of frightened and angry people out there."
I nodded. After all the people of thrice-born Macross had been
through, and now...well, it seemed that Macross would have to be
put to rest, along with the SDF-1. It seemed almost fitting, I thought.
"Tell me," I said, wanting him to elaborate, to unburden himself.
A look of relief passed over his face and it occurred to me that
Henry Gloval had once accused me of being a mind reader, as well.
"Well, we're still trying to determine the most efficient way of
relocating the people first and then following it up with the modular
housing nearby," he began. "The hospital and the shelters here in
Monument are all being made available to Macross citizens, but
I don't know how we're going to have enough room for everyone while
they wait for permanent housing."
"And in the meantime, any possible delay just exposes more people to
the radiation levels there," I noted.
He nodded. "I'm glad you got out of there right away," he said seriously.
I looked away from him. That night was still a blur to me, Rick taking
charge and hustling me out of town while I tried to function through my
haze of pain. Thank God one of us had had the presence of mind to
get out of New Macross. Because we were among the first people out,
we'd managed to secure the temporary quarters we were using for
the moment. Others would not be so lucky.
"Do you have any suggestions?"
His voice jerked me back to reality. As I looked at him, at the almost
beseeching look on his face, I realized he was looking to me for advice,
for guidance.
It was a frightening realization.
I struggled to pull my thoughts together. "Well, have you considered
negotiating the same type of situation with Granite City?"
"Granite? But that's so far away!"
"Not if you travel by air," I pointed out. "We could utilize some of the
shuttles, god knows trips up to the factory satellite can wait a while until
this crisis is over. Each one could shuttle over 30 or so people per trip.
Considering that it would really only be those who can't find space in
Monument, it shouldn't be all that many, and by shuttle the trip to Granite
is only about an hour each way. You could easily relocate a couple
hundred people in one day."
He grinned. "I don't know why I didn't think of that."
"Oh, I'm sure you would have eventually," I said. "Would you like
me to authorize use of the shuttles? I can do it right now..." As
soon as the words were out of my mouth I realized the cat was
out of the bag. Well, I was going to have to tell him eventually.
He was looking at me strangely, eyes narrowed in confusion. "Uh,
Lisa, correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think a Captain has that
sort of clearance. If we did, I might have thought of the shuttle
solution myself."
I began to smile in spite of myself. Part of me really couldn't help
but be proud about the news. "No, Captains don't have that kind
of clearance, Rick. But Admirals do."
I waited for the words to sink in, and when they did his jaw
dropped. "You...?"
I nodded. "That's what the meeting was about today. I've been
promoted to Admiral, effective immediately."
It might have been my imagination, but I could swear that a look
of stark terror flitted across his face before he supplanted it with
a wide smile. "That's great, Lisa. Congratulations!"
"Thanks," I said. I became even more thankful when he leaned
over and kissed me, his arms wrapping around me and holding
me tight. The kiss started out gentle, almost hesitant, but soon
deepened into something greater, something demanding. When
his hand grazed my hip my body responded instantly, tensing
even as I pressed myself closer to him.
Without warning he pulled away from me.
I tried to fight back the hurt and rejection that washed over me
in that instant, told myself firmly he must have a reason. "What is
it, Rick?"
He cleared his throat nervously before replying. "I, uh, don't
want to push you into anything, you're very vulnerable right
now, and I -- "
"You've got to be kidding," I said in disbelief. No wonder I'd
felt as if he were handling me with kid gloves since...since...of
course, I certainly hadn't been in the mood for anything sexual,
but when he kissed me just then...sometimes the body has its
own ideas. And at the moment I didn't feel like denying what
I wanted, what I needed. "Rick, I told you, I love you -- "
"And I love you too."
"Well then, don't you want me?"
"Of course I do!" He exhaled loudly. "Now that I know how you
feel -- now that I know how I feel -- I want to make love to
you more than anything. I just don't want to take advantage of
the fact that you're very upset right now -- "
"Can you let me decide if I'm being taken advantage of?" I
asked dryly. "I do think I can tell the difference." I pulled him
to me, shocked at myself for managing to be so forward with him.
Somehow finally knowing that he loved me in return made
almost anything possible. "I've been thinking about death too much,
Rick," I said quietly. "I want to think about life for a while, to
feel life...I want you."
After a moment's hesitation he nodded and covered my mouth
with his, kissing me slowly, tenderly, his tongue slipping inside
my mouth as I opened beneath him. The feel of his hot mouth,
his breath, his hands as he reached up to clasp my head -- my
entire world narrowed to these sensations, to this incredible
tactile sensuality.
I tugged at his shirt, wanting to pull him down next to me on the
couch, but he pulled back and shook his head. "Let's go into the
bedroom," he whispered.
I nodded, feeling slightly dazed, and didn't resist as he took my
hands and pulled me off the couch, led the way to the small bedroom.
Once inside he kissed me again, more urgently this time, inching
me over to the bed until I let myself fall. He fell with me, covering
me, cradling me, his hands everywhere, trying to feel my skin
through my clothes.
I let out a sigh into his mouth as I felt his hands reach for the
fastenings of my uniform shirt. When he had slipped it off me
I shuddered at the sensation of his fingertips on my bare skin,
the way his hands caressed my arms, traced feathery patterns
on my breasts through the satin bra. I was possessed by a feeling
of absolute...rightness, of a knowledge that this was how it was
supposed to be, this was the inevitable conclusion to the
tempestuous and binding relationship that Rick and I had forged
over the past four years.
And then my bra was gone, and his mouth was on my breasts,
setting me on fire. I opened my eyes and watched as he took
one nipple into his mouth and began to suckle tenderly, the
action sending molten waves through my body, straight to my
womb. When he brought his teeth into play, nibbling insistently,
I let my head fall back onto the pillow and closed my eyes,
luxuriating in the feel of it, letting out occasional sighs of pleasure.
All too soon he began kissing me again, his hot mouth pulsing
against mine, his hands exploring my body, claiming it. I have
no awareness of our shedding the rest of our clothes, but
suddenly we were both naked, our bare skin warming each
other, becoming slick with sweat.
His lips touched every inch of me, his tongue flickering lazily,
teasing me to such a pitch that I thought I would have to kill
him. He lifted each of my legs, and kissed the length of them,
lavishing attention on my ankles, the back of my knees. And then
I felt a rush of hot breath between my thighs as a prelude to his tongue.
If it was possible to die from pleasure, I surely thought my
end was near. I moaned again and again as he devoured me,
lips and tongue and teeth sucking and tasting and nibbling and
probing. I ground myself against him, shamelessly gyrating my
hips to the rhythm he was setting with his tongue, wanting more,
needing more. I whispered his name and wondered if he realized
it was an invocation.
And then God, God, falling and falling and shaking and God,
don't stop, don't stop, I can't stand it can't stand it can't...
Before my trembling had even subsided I pulled Rick to me and
turned him over onto his back with such force that he let out
a surprised laugh. "My turn," I whispered, my voice ragged, my
body still convulsing slightly.
He laughed again. "Don't let me stop you."
I smiled and covered one of his flat nipples with my mouth, drawing
that sensitive skin between my teeth and sucking hard. He hissed
in shock and pleasure and it filled me with satisfaction to be the
cause of it. For what seemed like an eternity I made my way down
his torso with my lips and tongue, breathing in the musky scent
of him, tracing the hardened muscles of his chest and abdomen.
My sight, taste, touch, sense of smell -- his body was my world
at that moment, the sound of his ragged breathing completing the
sum total of my senses.
When I took his sex into my mouth he groaned my name as if I
were causing him pain. With a sure rhythm I ran my tongue up
and down the length of him, taking him into me again and again.
I had this overwhelming urge to do this right, to be the best he'd
ever had, as if even this was something at which I had to excel,
had to accept nothing less than perfection. I found myself
experimenting, trying varying degrees of pressure, of speed,
discovering what worked as he gasped, or moaned, or whispered my
name in desperation. I moved to use my hand as well, but he
stopped me, grabbing at my shoulders and making a strangled sound.
"Stop," he gasped. "Too soon..."
I lifted my head, understanding what he meant, and not about to
argue with him. Our eyes met and I felt the air shift in the room,
as if we both knew that this was something new, something different,
something imbued with a deeper meaning than anything we had
allowed ourselves to experience together up to this point.
Almost in a trance I straddled him, grasped his sex and centered
myself upon it, then slid down the length of it, taking my time,
letting gravity help me along.
I closed my eyes, and when I felt his hands on my breasts we
began moving together, rising and falling, enveloping him,
surrounding him, again and again and again
the pressure, the delicious pressure, the building and building
and yes, faster now, a little faster and god I don't want to stop and
the world is spinning and god it's too much, it's too much and
I can't breathe and stop god god Rick Rick Rick
I felt his fingers dig into my flesh as he came too, hot, wet,
filling me. The way he cried my name pulled at my heart
and made me question my sanity. This couldn't really
be happening, could it?
I finally collapsed on top of him, clutching him fiercely, and
he pulled me down beside him, covering my face with
kisses, whispering sweet words in a way I had long
fantasized him doing. We kept touching each other, kissing
with wonderment, assuring ourselves that it was all real.
After a time we fell silent, just holding each
other, trying to process it all. I was amazed to realize that
despite my overwhelming sadness of the past few days, I was now
suffused with a sense of contentment, of optimism, a certainty
that everything would turn out okay. I finally broke the silence
and said as much to Rick, who agreed with me.
"It's corny to say it," he conceded, burying his face against my
neck, "but, well, being with you like this...it makes everything else
seem tolerable. Things can't be that bad, can they? If we're together?"
He sounded so earnest, so...young. Cynicism threatened to overcome
my newfound inner calm, but I managed to keep it at bay with an effort.
"Yes. As long as we're together," I whispered.
"I love you," he said.
I wrapped my arms around him, holding him to me as closely
as I possibly could. "I love you too," I answered, my voice
suddenly harsh in the darkness. "Don't leave me, Rick. Don't
ever leave me again, got it?"
He must have sensed the urgency behind my words, because
he propped himself up on one shoulder so that he could meet my
eyes. "Everything's going to be okay, Lisa," he said as he
smoothed my hair lovingly. "We will get through this. I promise."
God, I hoped so.

end.