fanfic_name = Skull Leader

chapter = 4

author = Dwparsnip

Rating = AP15

Type = Angst

fanfic = *****

Thought I'd given up on this didn't you? It hasn't been beta'ed so all mistakes are mine alone. Be gentle...it's late.

*****

Lisa sat in her office trying desperately, and ultimately unsuccessfully, to concentrate on the intel report on her desk. Any minute now White would come in through the door and ask her in her 'you're being naughty' tone of voice why she hasn't gotten through a little three-page report, knowing full well that Lisa had other things on her mind. Oh yes, White knew what was going on…she knew everything that had to with Lisa's life.

With all the work, trips and meetings she had, thank God somebody did. Then of course, there was Rick.

Rick was due back any minute from his first patrol with the newly rejuvenated Skull squadron. In the big picture though, it was far from a routine patrol. It was a new beginning for Rick, hopefully a new beginning that would be uneventful and confidence building. He needed it to go well. She needed it to go well. Despite her unwavering faith in his abilities, she couldn't shake the feeling that if something happened during this flight, the man she loved would never be the same again.

A knock sounded on her door, jolting Lisa out of her little trance. She grabbed the report off her desk and pulled it up to her face just as White opened the door and walked in.

Lisa looked over the top edge of the report to see a mischievous glow in the eyes of her trusted aide. It was the type of look that automatically made her senses go on high alert. It also didn't help that her head tilted to the left, allowing her shoulder length red hair to fall over her shoulder, giving her the look of a teacher who was trying very hard to keep her temper in check with a wayward student.

"Finished yet, ma'am?" There was an undeniable sense of smug satisfaction about the way she asked, and Lisa began to get that all too familiar sinking feeling.

"No, Commander", she said as authoritatively as she could. "I require a few more minutes." Lisa looked back down at the report and waited, hoping that Cindy White would leave it at that.

"If I may make a suggestion, ma'am", came White's musical voice as she walked back towards the door, "it might be easier to get through it if you didn't try to read it while it was upside down."

Lisa opened her mouth to respond as she looked down at the report and truly noticed it for the first time. She knew the redness was in her cheeks before she even felt it.

She turned the report right side up and glanced at the door to see her aide's head still inside the frame. Lisa looked at her expectantly and was rewarded a moment later.

"Just thought you'd like to know, ma'am", White said sincerely, "that he landed five minutes ago with the Skull totally intact." White smiled broadly and her hazel eyes danced with pleasure at being able to deliver the good news to her CO. "Good work, ma'am."

Lisa let go the breath she didn't realize she had been holding and smiled widely herself. "Thank you, Commander. As with almost everything else around here, I couldn't have done it without you."

White gave Lisa a teasing grin. "Almost everything", she echoed and closed the door.

Lisa laughed softly and thought back to a week earlier…

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She was sitting at the table, trying to look over some of the mountain of paperwork she had to deal with before going to bed. Rick was sitting across from her, still looking over the personnel reports for replacement pilots for the Skull. He still hadn’t chosen any, despite the abundance of recent academy graduates and the desperate need to do so.

She surreptitiously lowered the report she was reading just enough to look at him without him noticing. As he read the file in front of him she could see a storm of emotions cloud his usually bright blue eyes, emotions she very rarely ever saw in them…emotions like fear, anxiety and doubt. He was having a terribly agonizing time, and him being in such a state was hurting her.

He closed the folder, picked it up off the table and tossed it onto the steadily growing pile of rejected files on the floor. As he took another folder and opened it he sighed. It was a heart breaking sound for her, signifying his inner turmoil and the frustration he was feeling. For an hour she watched him go through file after file, discarding each and every one of them without so much as a comment. Every once in a while she would hear another of those pain ridden sighs.

She could stand it no more after another rejected file found it's way to the floor and she got up out of her chair. She could see that he hadn’t even noticed, so when she approached him from behind a moment later she scuffed her feet along the floor so he knew that she was there. It worked, and when she put her arms around his neck and rested her chin on the top of his head, he wasn’t startled.

"How’s it going?", she asked softly. "Is the Skull up to a full compliment yet?" She felt him lean back to cuddle into her and she tightened her embrace. "Rick…"

"I don’t know if I can do it anymore, Lisa", he said, his voice barely above a whisper.

She had seen Rick in enough down times to know that he would continue when he was ready, so she waited patiently and tried to send through a kiss to his cheek that she would wait as long as he needed her to.

He lifted his hands to hold hers and she nearly jumped at the iciness of his touch. Ordinarily his touch, no matter how benign it was meant to be, would send heat waves throughout her body…but not now. His hands felt barren of life.

"Have you looked at any of these files, Lisa? Eighteen and nineteen year olds. How can I pick them for a squad that sees as much action as we do? It’s almost like sending lambs to the slaughter!" His grip increased in strength as he spoke, and when he finished his hold loosened suddenly as though talking to her had taken all of his strength.

Lisa felt the shaky breath he took through her loving hug. He was in terrible pain, and she wasn’t sure how to help him deal with it.

“I don’t know if I can do it anymore. I don’t know if I can write any more condolence letters. I don’t know if I can hear any more screams over the tac net or clean out any more lockers.”

Lisa heard a quiet sob escape his lips and felt a tear of her own slide down her cheek. Her heart was breaking for him. She released Rick and moved around so that she stood in front of him, and when she looked down into his eyes she saw something that made her heart skip a beat: nothing. His bright and vibrant eyes had diminished to near lifelessness in a matter of minutes. She could no longer see any hint of emotion in them at all, not even the pain she knew he had been feeling earlier.

Nothing.

Before she knew it he threw his arms around her waist and cuddled his head into her abdomen. Lisa gently put her arms around his neck again and gave him a supportive squeeze.

“Let me help you, Rick”, she said gently and then added, “Please.”

Her voice seemed to be all that he needed to let everything go, and for only the second time in their history, Rick Hunter cried as she held him. And for the second time she cried with him. Or was it for him? Did it really matter? The only other time Rick had allowed himself to do this was when she told him that Roy had died. After telling him she walked to the side of his hospital bed, and he held her as he would hold onto a lifeline as he cried over the loss of his Big Brother.

She did then what she was doing now, what he had done for her so many times lately…she held him and let him cry. She held him tightly and let him do what he needed to do. She would have stayed there all night if he needed her to, but he didn't. A few minutes after it began it ended. He stopped crying. The tears stopped flowing. His breaths became regulated. His embrace relaxed.

"I'm sorry, Lisa", he said in a whisper.

"You have nothing to be sorry for, Rick." Lisa ran her right hand through his disheveled hair. "I want to be here for you, just like you've been there for me."

He looked up into her eyes, and a smile found it's way upon her lips when she saw some life ease back into his eyes.

"I wish I could make it all better, Rick", she whispered. It was something that he had said to her dozens of times since Khyron's last attack. She'd lost track of the exact number of times that he wished he could take away her grief; that he could assume her responsibilities; and that he could remove the pain from her heart at the loss of her friends…her family. He would gladly take it all from her if he could, and she felt the same way right now. In the end she always responded by telling him that he made it better just by being with her.

It was the truth.

He smiled and cuddled into her again. "I'm okay, Lisa. I just need you, that's all. You're all I need."

Only he needed her to be strong so badly she was sure her knees would have buckled. Only a few short weeks ago she had given up hope of ever hearing anything like that from him. Even their relatively happy time together since Khyron's attack couldn't erase the memory of what had happened between them, which in all reality amounted to nothing, at least nothing any good.

Lisa leaned down and kissed the top of his head, and her eyes glanced over to the file had had left open on the table. She could see age of the pilot in question and the notes he had written on the previous batch of personnel files came to her. This pilot was young. Very young.

The job was getting to him in a way it never had before. The death and destruction was finally getting to him. The crushing weight of responsibility was hurting him. She was impressed, though not surprised, that he had held out so long against the despair that invariably assaulted the commanders of military units that had seen a lot of action. After all, he was so very young to have so much responsibility thrust upon him so suddenly.

Of course she had some experience in that regard. She had gone through it herself aboard the SDF-1.

It had taken a long talk from Claudia and some encouraging words from Captain Gloval to get her out of that funk. She was desperately needed at her station and Claudia and Gloval knew just what to say, so her malaise didn't last long enough to be noticed by the pilots.

What she wouldn't give to have Roy around to talk to Rick right now. Roy would have Rick set on the right track in no time at all. She had considered asking one of the other senior flight officers to talk to Rick, but in the end she decided that Max would be the best option. Already very good friends, Max had a way of talking to Rick that no one else did. She just hoped Max wouldn't wait too long to try.

Her introspection ended when Rick pulled Lisa down to sit on his lap. She sat across his legs and he cuddled into her chest, making a very contented sigh as he did so.

"How do you do it, Lisa?" His voice was so quiet she almost never heard it.

Her chin rested against the top of his head once again and her arms went around his neck in a gentle embrace. She knew what he was asking. Not for the first time in their fledgling relationship she wondered if he could read her mind.

She swallowed the small obstruction in her throat and organized her thoughts. "I have to do it, Rick." She closed her eyes for a second, and when she opened them it was like opening her soul to him…again. "There was a time, Rick, when I thought I couldn't do it anymore. Hearing the cries of dying pilots over the tac net killed me a little piece at a time. It didn’t matter whether I knew them personally or not…the pain was the same. Seeing the empty slots on the Prometheus' flight deck where lost veritechs should have been reminded me after every battle that I failed them somehow."

He came to her defense immediately. "Lisa you weren't responsible…"

She placed her left index finger to his lips to stop him. He stopped talking and kissed her finger, and as she spoke again she moved her hand to its previous position behind his neck. "But I was, Rick. It was my instructions that sent them out there, that put them in harm's way. But Gloval and Claudia reminded me that we weren't responsible for the war and that we could only try our best to right a terrible situation." She sighed gently as he tightened his hug around her waist in support. She smiled at that. Rick was trying to comfort and support her, even in the middle of his own personal crisis. It was one of the things she loved most about him. "I told Gloval once that I wanted to quit…to be reassigned."

Rick's head shot up and his eyes found hers. The disbelief in his blue eyes was glaring.

She smiled a sad little smile and nodded. "It's true. He refused my request immediately. He told me that he needed me, the girls needed me, the seventy thousand people aboard the ship needed me and most of all, the pilots needed me." She tilted her head slightly so that her cheek rested against him. "And even though I was the only one that knew it at that time, I knew that you needed me." The corners of her delicate mouth edged upward as she added, "Well, Claudia knew too."

"You don't how true that is." He took a deep breath and let it out slowly as he continued. "When you left for Alaska Base I was lost, inside my own head and out in space. Only for Max I'm not sure what would have happened. You always knew what to say…and how to say it." His eyes shone as he continued in a subdued voice. "Sammie was a wonderful person and a great flight ops officer, but she wasn't you. "

Lisa seized on his last comment. "And there's no other you, Rick. You're the best squadron leader we have. Max is a great pilot, but he's not the commander that you are…almost, but not yet. There's no one else to lead the best squadron in the RDF. Max needs you up there Rick. You're squad, when you fill the roster spots, will need you up there. The people of the planet need you up there." Her left hand made it's way to his chin and her slender index finger gently lifted his face up to look at her. "I need you, Rick."

Love filled his eyes, and for Lisa it was the one thing she really wanted to see.

"You didn't say you needed me up there like everyone else." He looked at her intently and she could see the hope in his eyes, the hope that she would say what he needed to hear from her at that moment.

She smiled and said softly, "I just need you, Rick. It doesn't matter if you're up there, or behind a desk or in my arms, as long as you're there for me it doesn’t matter." She grinned evilly and added, "Though I must confess that this position is among my most preferred."

Rick laughed at her comment and nodded. "For me too." He leaned up and kissed her gently on her lips. "Thank you."

Lisa caressed his cheek with her hand. "Anytime." She glanced to the table and asked quietly, "Would you like some help with the personnel files?"

He smiled, and for the first time in a couple of days Lisa could see that it wasn't forced. "No. I know what I have to do. The Skull's roster will be filled by tomorrow evening."

Lisa tapped his nose with her finger and said, "Good." She got up off his lap and stood next to him for a second. "I'm getting a cup of tea. Would you like some?"

She started to walk towards the kitchen, expecting him to answer her as she went, but she only got one step away from him when he grabbed her hand. He was now standing up and he pulled her gently back to him, kissing her passionately when his lips found hers.

Pleasantly surprised it took Lisa a second to catch up with what was happening, but only a second. When they broke the kiss minutes later she asked him a little breathlessly, "Not that I'm complaining, but what was that for?"

Breathless himself Rick responded, "For you being you." He leaned in and gave her another passion filled kiss.

When he looked at her again she forgot about the tea, the doubts and the worry. She forgot about the death, the destruction and the overwhelming responsibility they were both burdened with. All she saw in his eyes was what she felt in her heart…love.

It was then that she knew he'd be fine, that they'd be fine.

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Lisa sighed as she remembered the rest of that night, most of which was spent in their bedroom. They showed each other over and over again how much they loved each other, how much they needed each other, and how much they trusted each other. It was a night that she would remember forever.

The next day, the two of them went through the personnel files, selecting the best of the best to become the pilots of the Skull. White kept the office running as Lisa had decided to stay home to help Rick despite his assurances that he didn't any need help. White sent over additional files and called in favors owed to Lisa, and even herself, to get whatever the Skull needed. Mecha for the new pilots was the one thing in short supply. Transportation for the new Skull members and accommodations for them were just a few of the other details White took care of.

By the end of the day the Skull was up to full strength in every way, just as Rick had said it would be. Pilots, veritechs and support structures all in place. Rick had even decided on reserves for the unit, should anything happen to the regular pilots.

Another knock on her door forced her to bring the report up to her face once more, this time making sure it the correct way up. The door opened and White walked in. She stood in front of Lisa's desk and folded her arms across her chest, and it seemed to Lisa that she was little taller than she had been earlier. Her smile was somewhere in between mild annoyance and complete amusement.

"The sooner you get through that thing the sooner he can come in here", said White. She was unable to keep the amusement out of her voice.

Lisa narrowed her eyes. "You're bluffing."

The right corner of White's mouth drew upward. "Am I?" White's expression became neutral again and she added, "I'll wait here until you're done, ma'am."

Unable to tell if her aide was serious or not, Lisa buried her nose in the report and three minutes later was finished, affixing her signature to the report in the appropriate place.

"Thank you, ma'am." With that Commander White went out through the door, leaving it open. A moment later, Rick walked in.

Lisa all but jumped up out of her chair and ran to him. He hugged her fiercely when she reached him and they stayed locked in that position for a long time, letting themselves get lost in the warmth of each other's touch.

Finally she had to ask. Still holding onto him tightly she asked, "How did it go?"

He buried his face in the crook of her neck and his voice was gentle when he spoke, his lips moving against her skin sending passionate ripples through her heart and soul. "Fine. Everything is fine, Lisa." He leaned back to look into her eyes. "Their first mission was a complete success. They all did a great job."

The relief Lisa heard in his voice was easily matched by the relief that washed over her. He lowered his head and his lips gently danced across her neck again. She had to bite her lip to keep from moaning with pleasure.

All too suddenly his teasing kisses stopped. "Thank you, Lisa. Thank you for showing me that I'm not alone in this." He leaned back to look at her and cupped her right cheek in his hand. "I honestly think they would have been looking for a new Skull Leader if you hadn't been there for me…if you hadn't told me what you did."

Lisa was shocked. Not so much with what he said, but more with the seriousness with which he said the words. She knew that he had been thinking about it, so had she, but hearing it come from his lips made it that much more terrifying. "Rick…"

Rick's eyes were locked onto Lisa's in an effort to show her just how much he meant what he was saying. "I mean it, Lisa. Without you…"

"Stop", Lisa commanded. Actually it came out more as a plea than a command. "I love you, and I will always be there for you."

Rick smiled his ultra charming smile, the smile she missed so much lately…the smile that showed her that he was okay. "I know…and that's what gets me through the tough stuff." He leaned in and kissed her lovingly. "I have to go", he said when he ended their kiss. "I'll see you in a little while?"

"A very little while", responded Lisa. He gave her another quick kiss and headed for the door. When he took the handle in his hand Lisa said, "You know it’s the same for me, right?"

He looked confused so Lisa elaborated. "Knowing you're there for me gets me through the tough stuff, too."

He walked back to her in a quick march. When he reached her his hands went to her cheeks and his lips landed on hers initiating a kiss meant to be remembered for the rest of time. Lisa staggered a half step back with the force of his approach and his kiss, just enough for the backs of her thighs to impact against her desk. Only for the fact that he held her face so tightly she would have ended up sitting on the desk with what would probably have been a very loud thump.

He slowed the kiss down, letting her get her bearings, which she did quickly. For several minutes they let their kiss be the only language spoken between them.

Rick reluctantly ended the kiss and looked as deeply into her eyes as he ever had before. "I love you."

Lisa smiled and hugged into his chest. "I love you, too."

Rick put his arms around her and said softly, "I really have to go."

"I know", she whispered back to him.

Half an hour later Rick finally exited Lisa's office to perform the debriefing he was supposed to lead, though it was the farthest thing from his mind.

State = Continuará/To Be Continue

feedback = Sí/Yes

email = dwparsnipATyahoo.ca