fanfic_name = Rick's Ashes

author = Aikiweezie

Rating = AP

Type = Angst

fanfic = This story is from Lisa's personal journal:





March 3, 2014





Rick's ashes were delivered to me this morning.   The funeral director brought them to me in small box wrapped in brown paper.  No fancy urn.  I won't be keeping them.



According to Rick's wishes, I will take them up in his beloved Mockingbird and scatter them where her felt most at home, in the air.



The past month has been without a doubt, the most difficult and painful of my life.  That is why there have been no journal entries since just past Christmas.



I came to accept that Rick and Minmei were together, as a couple, and so I made the decision to accept the assignment as Captain of the SFD-2.  I didn't' want to interfere in Rick's new life.  I wanted him to be happy and so I kept my distance.  Even when I found out I was pregnant. I didn't want to Rick to feel pressured to "do the right thing."  If he didn't want me before, I didn't want him back because he felt some sort of obligation..  Admiral Gloval knew about my situation, and even though there were "special circumstances," he stuck by his decision to give me the command.  I resolved to do what I had to alone.



The morning I was to assume command and move into my quarters on the ship, I stopped at Rick's place to say good-bye.   I made sure that my time was limited, arriving at his place around 9:30, knowing that I had a staff meeting at 10:30.  I wanted to make a quick, clean break and get the hell out of there.



I didn't plan to tell him that I loved him, it just happened, and I never, ever expected him to respond in kind.  I didn't have time to tell him the rest.  Khyron's attack got in the way.



I had a few minor injuries from getting slammed into the pavement, so Rick helped me to the bridge.  We didn't say much on the way there.  We were both too nervous.  I didn't tell him about the baby.  I didn't want to cause any distraction that could be dangerous.  We said goodbye and kissed, briefly.  We had, of course, kissed before, but this was different. He loved me, and he knew I loved him.



We told each other to be careful, and ran off to our jobs.  The situation was bad.  Khyron was desperate and crazy.    I resolved to take of this situation with Khyron as fast as possible so we could get on with our lives.



The battle that followed is a blur in my mind, everything happened so fast.  First the SDF-2 was destroyed, and so we made our way to the bridge of the SDF-1.  It wasn't long before the situation was out of anyone's control.  Admiral Gloval gave the order to abandon ship, but it was too late.  Khyron's ship tore into the ship several decks below, blocking our only way out.    The search and rescue team got to us within an hour and saved us with no time to spare.  They took us to a triage center they had set up in their staging area near the base.



Rick and I promised to meet at the airstrip, when everything calmed down.  After I got patched up I checked on the rest of the bridge crew.  There were a lot of minor cuts and bruises, but nothing major, and so I hitched a ride over to find Rick.



I waited about a half and hour before I started asking around if anyone had seen or heard from Rick.  I was getting frantic when I heard Max calling my name, running toward me.



He told me Rick took a direct hit after I had last spoken to him and that he crashed onto the runway trying to land.  He said Rick was bad shape and that he needed to get me to the hospital right away.



I felt as though I were going to faint.



Max took me by the elbow trying to get me moving toward the jeep he had waiting, engine running.



I stopped, trying to steady myself, and demanded he tell me just how badly Rick was hurt. He told me that Rick wasn't expected to live and that we had to go before it was too late.



I began to feel dizzy and sick, and would have fallen down if Max hadn't caught me.   He started to call for a medic and I stopped him.   I told him that I was pregnant, and not seriously injured, and so he helped me into the jeep.



On the way to the base hospital I grilled Max for information.  I wanted to be prepared.   He said Rick was horribly injured.  His arm was severed, and his pelvis and both his legs were broken.  The doctors said he had a lot of serious internal injuries too, but there was nothing they could do for him.  They couldn't operate; he'd never survive the surgery.  All they could do was try to make him comfortable, and try to keep him alive long enough for Max to find me and bring me to him.



Max asked me if Rick knew about the baby.



I told him no, that I hadn't had the chance to tell him.  I said that up until that morning I thought we were broken up, for good.  I asked Max if I should tell him.  He said I should. -- That Rick would want to know.  He also told me that just last night he and Rick went out for a beer and that Rick told him he was miserable with Minmei.  He missed me.  He loved me.  And he had decided come clean with Minmei and call me this morning.



I began to sob; I couldn't hold it in anymore.  This was the absolute worst thing I could think of, and I couldn't believe that it was happening.



As we pulled into the ER parking lot, I tried to compose myself so I could be strong for Rick.  I asked Max if Rick knew he was dying, and he said he did.



Rick was still in the ER, in one of those rooms way down the hall and around the corner, where they put patients who won't need to be admitted.



I first saw Rick through the glass wall.  He was sitting up slightly with oxygen and an IV.  He looked like he was in a lot of pain, breathing heavy and biting his lip.  The chaplain was at his bedside giving him last rites.  Rick wasn't particularly religious, but he believed, and I knew it would comfort him.  I knocked quietly, not wanting to disturb, but also not wanting to miss out on even one second with Rick.  The chaplain motioned for Max and I to come in, and finished his prayers.  He touched me on the arm as he left and told me he was there if we needed him.  I thanked him - and walked over to Rick's side and sat down.



I've seen a lot of injured soldiers in my life, I had even seen Rick injured before, but I was not prepared for what I saw in his in his eyes as he looked at me. The light in his eyes was gone, replaced with a combination of pain and sadness.  I sat down at his side and took his right hand, trying to look at his face and not the bloody bandage where his left arm used to be.  I tried to speak, but I couldn't, and tears began falling in huge drops on to his hand.



He reached up and wiped my cheek, telling me it was okay.  I couldn't hold back anymore - nothing was okay.  I kissed his hand and held it against my cheek.  I told him that I loved him and he told me the same.  He asked me to forgive him for everything he put me through.  I put my finger on his lips to stop him, telling him truthfully that all was forgotten.



He winced in pain and Max came over and handed him the button attached to his morphine drip.  Rick said it wasn't helping much anymore.



Max left the room to go to the nurse's station to see if they could give Rick something stronger.



I decided it was time to tell Rick about the baby.   I stroked his forehead and moved closer to his face and told him that I was pregnant, about seven weeks along.



He looked at me as though he could see right through me and said, realizing, "That's why you were leaving."



I nodded and stood up.  I put his hand on my stomach.  We were both crying now.  He smiled a little and said, "That night when I picked you up at Claudia's.."



I responded, smiling a little myself,  "that or the next morning."  .



I put my hand over his, and began to cry again.  I said,   "I want our baby to know you."



I sat back down and put my head on his chest   I knew I had to stop talking at this point.  I couldn't stop Rick from dying and needed to let him go in peace.  He didn't need to get any guilt from me.  As I rested my head on his chest I could tell his breaths were shallow and that he was struggling to breathe.



Rick stroked my hair and said hoarsely  "You'll be a great mother to our child, Lisa.  I know you will."



I sat back up and looked into Rick's eyes.  He was so upset.  I didn't know if I had done the right thing by telling him, but I couldn't take it back.



He winced, biting his lip.  His pain was getting worse.



He said he didn't want to die but that he couldn't stand the pain anymore.



Before I could buzz for the nurse, Max came back with the Doctor who asked to see me outside for a minute.



I looked at Rick.  I wasn't sure he had much more than a minute left, but I squeezed his hand and followed the doctor out into the hall.



I asked the ER Attending, Dr. Murray, if there was anything at all they could do.  I just couldn't bear the thought of loosing him.  He shook his head no and told me all he could do was increase his medication.  It would make him groggier, but would take away the pain.



I nodded my head in agreement.



When I went back into the room, Max was sitting by Rick's side.  I just caught the end of their exchange, but I heard Rick ask Max to look after his child and me. Max promised he would, patted Rick on the shoulder and left the room with tears in his eyes.   Mirya had arrived by then, I could hear Max crying as she held him in the hall outside.



The rail on the side of the bed was down, and Rick gestured for me to sit next to him.  I told him I wanted to hold him, but I didn't want to hurt him any further.  He told me not to worry; the stronger drugs were working. and so I helped him move over and rest his head on my chest.  We lay there for about fifteen minutes, holding hands.  We talked about the baby.  We talked about how part of him was going to live on, even if he couldn't.  He promised to be our guardian angel, watching over us.  He asked if the rest of the bridge crew was okay, and I told him they were.  He made me promise that I would try to be happy.  Then he asked me to scatter his ashes, with Max, from his Mockingbird, and I promised him we would.



Shortly after Rick fell asleep.  He never woke up, and died about an hour later, still in my arms.



I sat there with Rick's body for an hour or so, studying every inch of his face and hand, trying to force them into my memory.  I never wanted to forget anything about him.



I knew I couldn't stay there forever, but I couldn't tear my self away.  Every time I tried to stand up I couldn't.  I knew that once I left that room I would never see Rick again.  Strange, considering that just that morning I went to him to say goodbye, believing that I probably never would see him again.



Claudia entered the room and took me in her arms.  I was glad Claudia was there - she understood.



After a few minutes of us both crying, I got off the bed and kissed Rick's face several times.  I repeated to him what I had said that morning, 'I love you Rick Hunter.  I always have, and I always, will."  Claudia touched Rick's face and kissed his forehead.   She asked Rick to say "hi" to Roy for her.  Then she put her arm around me and said, that it was time to go.  She was right, of course, but leaving that room was the hardest thing I had ever done.



Two days later a small memorial service was held for Rick in the base chapel.   It was so surreal.  I hardly remember it to tell you the truth.  I hadn't slept since Rick died and I was in a fog and nauseous. Afterwards, the press was all over, taking pictures and asking questions because of his connection to Minmei.  It was awful.  I went home and spent the next four days in bed unable to do anything but cry.



That was two weeks ago.  My pregnancy is progressing well.  The morning sickness has stopped, and I think I'm beginning to feel our daughter, Sarah Marie, (after my mother) moving around inside me.



If it weren't for my friends, and our baby, I know I never would have survived the weeks since Rick's death.    There's really nothing I can do except just try and push through the pain and try to see the future.  I miss him so much.  Not only was he my love, he was my friend, and I miss just talking to and being with him.  It's a good thing that I can't drink to numb myself from the constant longing and aching I feel.  Not like that would help, anyway, really.   Instead, I've been spending a lot of time trying to keep busy.  I am on restricted duty until the baby is born.  Then I will have to go back to full time.  I have no choice really.   My job, my daughter and my friends are the only things that I have to live for.



I will NEVER, EVER let myself fall in love again.  I will never stop loving Rick.   I loved Karl, too, but I know now that what we had was puppy love; it wasn't like what I felt for Rick.   I never want to go through this again.  This time the wounds will never heal.



I thank God for my friends: they have been amazing.  I have not spent one moment alone since Rick died.  I stayed with Claudia up until last month when were all relocated to Monument City.   I have a place of my own now, but someone, Claudia, one of the "bunnies," Miriya, and even Max has been with me at all times.  They are all making sure I get enough rest (I don't, I can't) and eat right (I try).  I couldn't ask for better friends.



Minmei even stopped in last week.  I honestly felt sorry for her.  She loved Rick, too, but in a different way -- that was clear from everything she told me that afternoon.  Minmei said that very early on she knew Rick was in love with me, but she didn't wan t to believe it, and she assured me that she had no idea I was pregnant when she moved in with Rick.  I assured her that Rick didn't know either.   She offered to help me out in any way she could.  I thanked her, and we parted on friendly terms.   While I appreciate her sentiments, I don't want a relationship with Minmei, now or ever.



Tomorrow is Rick's birthday; he would have been 25 years old.  Max and I will honor his last request, scattering his remains over a forest, or a field.



The remains, in this box, they aren't Rick.  He's somewhere wonderful I believe, with his father, and Roy, and God.  And some day, I pray to God we'll be together again.

















State = Fin/The End

feedback = Sí/Yes

email = lczuba4ATcomcast.net