fanfic_name = A PILOT LOOKS AT FORTY

chapter = Only one

author = LiSa HaYeS

dedicate = My boyfriend, and my family....

Rating = AP15

Type = Angst

fanfic =

A Pilot Looks at Forty

"Twenty years now
Where'd they go?
Twenty years
I don't know
I sit and I wonder sometimes
Where they've gone
And sometimes late at night
When I'm bathed in the firelight
The moon comes callin' a ghostly way
And I recall
I recall "

-Bob Seger, Like a Rock

"The trouble with war," Rick mused, "was that the ghosts lived on long after
the battles were finished."
His head was filled with ghosts of the past twenty years. Gloval. Roy. Claudia.
Ben. Breetai. They were all friends, more like family to him, and they were all
gone. They weren't the only ones he had lost in the course of two major wars,
but they had meant the most to him, and they were on his mind right now.

The past had been on his mind a lot in the past few days. "Lord, I'm much young
to feel this damn old," he thought, remembering the lyric to some old song.
Actually, he knew what it was. Next week was his fortieth birthday (or
forty-fifth, if you bought into the whole Earth-actual calendar and the
problems with hyperspace travel), and it had just snuck up on him like one of
the late Regent's Hell-cats. FORTY YEARS OLD. Where the hell had it all gone?

He looked out the window at the universe before him. It was an alien sky, one
light years away from the one he had grown up under on Earth. It had become a
second home to all the travelers who had come from Earth suing for peace, but
finding only another battle to fight. The view from the Ark Angel's situation
room was beautiful and quiet. Rick Hunter preferred it that way.
Not that war wasn't in the back of his mind. The remnants of the Robotech
Expeditionary Force that had survived a war against the Invid and their own
Human traitors were now preparing to return home to wage more war. "Always the
battle," he thought, looking at a newly developed group of Shadow Fighters
going through training maneuvers.

He could see the pale ghost of his reflection in the glass that separated him
from deep space. Part of him longed to be out there, testing the new Shadow
Fighters personally, but being an Admiral had its drawbacks. "My God, Admiral
Hunter. Husband. Father!" His mind went crazy with his thoughts there in the
darkness. Although technically afternoon, the position of the planets and the
Ark Angel made for an early night.

It had been a sunny day, years ago, when he first saw the SDF-1. A beautiful
day, in fact. He was going to a big celebration, to see his old friend Roy
Fokker and to get a glimpse at the Veritech jet fighters that it was obvious
his "Big Brother" had seemed to have fallen in love in. He remembered easing
the Mockingbird into a booster climb, showing up the military pilots who
thought they were the best in their new birds of war. He remembered hearing the
"oooohs" and "aaaahs" of the crowd, and then their applause as he landed to
face an angry Roy Fokker.

The applause. It had been a long time since he had heard that. It was something
he was used to, going back to his days with his dad's flying circus. He had
been something special back then, and he knew it. He reflected with much
embarrassment how, well, conceited he had been back then. The war, however,
taught him humility. His talent as a pilot had to be channeled into other
avenues, and the applause was replaced with medals and promotions. In that
respect, he was a lot like Minmei. In both of them the one thing they had loved
most had been used to benefit the war effort.
Lynn Minmei. He remembered seeing her for the first time that very same day he
saw the SDF-1. A smile slowly broke out on his face. How did that line from
that old song go? "Wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then." If you
would have told him back then that he and the cute raven-haired oriental girl
he first saw arguing with a Petite Cola machine would become major players in
the future of mankind, he would have called you crazy. But that's exactly what
happened. Although Minmei found the stardom she had always wanted, Rick
couldn't help but feel sorry for her now because he knew she was lonely.
Everyone in the world seemed to love her, but she herself had no one to love.
Ever since that day the RDF used her voice to destroy Dolza's armada, life had
not been too kind to her.
Sometimes, deep down inside, he blamed himself. She had loved him at one time,
and he had loved her, wanted her for the longest time. When he finally chose
Lisa over her, she had accepted it, but she never left his life. She ended up
on Tiresia with the REF, and Rick knew it was no accident. He still had fond
feelings for her and even treasured the memories they had. He remembered that
first kiss they shared in a dark, musty hold they were trapped in on-board the
SDF-1, when they thought all was lost, when they thought they were going to-

"Damn!" Rick thought, snapping back to reality. He looked at his watch. She was
ten minutes late, and he really wasn't in the mood to be waiting, alone with
his past. "The OTHER reason why I can't stop living in the past."

Rick had spent the last six months in the past- retelling it, actually. His
official photographer, Susan Graham, was making a documentary about the RDF,
and he was the main source of her information. They met at least once a week at
first, and that time was well spent, with Rick recounting every detail he could
from the last twenty years. At first, their conversations centered around
battles, offensives, victories and defeats, but slowly the talk turned to a
more personal nature. He told her everything- how he had fallen for Minmei, how
he had gotten off to a bad start with Lisa, how Roy's death had affected him,
everything. At first, he felt a bit uncomfortable sharing the intimate details
of his personal life with the young lieutenant, but she always hung on to his
every word, and soon he began to even look forward to the interview sessions.
He could talk to her about his fears, his triumphs, his desires. Sue Graham
knew things about him many people didn't. He didn't worry about it, though. She
was sworn to secrecy, and he knew how loyal she was.
Now, if he could only convince Lisa that it was purely professional.

He supposed she felt a bit threatened, after all. He knew that she had been
feeling her age, too, with everything from taking command of the SDF-3 again to
motherhood to turning 50 (Earth-actual)! She didn't look fifty, not by any
means, but sometimes he knew she felt it. She also knew how close he had grown
to Sue Graham, and she didn't like it. Rick pointed out that he was almost old
enough to be Sue's father (he couldn't believe it himself, but it was true),
but that had done little to soothe her fears. She had even wanted him to stop
assisting on the documentary, but he had refused, admonishing her for her lack
of trust. They had been through so much together, and he didn't want to think
his wife did not have faith in him. "It's not you I'm worried about," was her
reply. Still, he refused, citing the importance of Lieutenant Graham's project
and the history of the Robotech Wars.

He also knew, deep down inside, that by not assisting, the time he spent with
Sue would end, and he wasn't sure he was ready for that. Max Sterling, his only
real friend and confidant, wasn't around anymore since the birth of his
daughter, Aurora, and if Rick didn't have Sue to talk to, he wouldn't have
anyone. He had no romantic feelings for Sue, although she was very attractive,
with long black hair and eyes that made jade pale by comparison. He felt more
like a father figure to her than anything. Her family hadn't survived Dolza's
rain of light and she grew up a ward of the United Earth Government (there were
a lot of orphans serving in the REF, Rick had noticed). Rick had learned a lot
about her in the past few months- indeed, the questions went both ways in the
last few meetings they had. He knew her fears, joys, and triumphs as well as
she knew his. They'd shut the camera down and talk a lot off the record.

They were scheduled to finish talking today about the events that occurred at
Mars Base Sara, when Rick had rescued Lisa. They had started in no particular
order, but recently it seemed like the sessions centered around the early days
and months of the war against the Zentradi, especially since few people alive
today could clearly remember those times. Her questions really seemed to center
around the whole Lisa/Minmei affair. He didn't think it was worth talking
about, but Graham's questions inevitably led back to those events. It caused
them to fall behind. They had to meet daily to catch up.

He was thinking about the events on Mars Base when her heard the door slide
open. Sue entered, holding a large bag in her hands that Rick recognized as the
one she kept all her journalism equipment in: a digital audio recorder, a small
digital video camera, some portable lights, and other various tools of her
trade. He got up to help her, but she told him to sit with a wave of her hand,
mumbling something about equipment problems as her reason for being late.

He watched as she carefully unpacked the equipment. She was slender, and the
blue REF body suit she was wearing looked good on her curves. He had never
really looked at her in a sexual way before, but with his mind drifting the way
it was, he allowed himself the pleasure of the view. She was very attractive.
Rick knew she was single, and had to wonder why. He knew how much of a
professional she was, and figured she probably didn't have time for a
boyfriend. That was just too bad for some of the would-be heartbreakers in the
REF.

He stretched out and yawned, feeling a little guilty and uncomfortable all of a
sudden for the way he was looking at her. He just simply could not avert his
gaze from her form, which seemed to him to be working in a sort of slow,
deliberate motion, almost as if she knew he was looking at him and found
pleasure in his doing so. He watched as she bent over in front of him,
struggling to connect an uncooperative cord. She certainly had a nice shape.

He changed the focus of his attention, however, when she turned around to have
a seat. He couldn't help but admire how strong her youthful face looked. She
looked older than he knew she really was, especially with her hair pulled up
and back so she could comfortably wear the audio recording equipment. She wore
a troubled look on her face, but when Rick asked her about it, it vanished,
replaced by a look of determination. He knew how strong her professionalism
was, so he let it go. Besides, he knew if she really wanted to talk about it,
they would later.

The session picked up from where they had left off the previous day. Rick told
her the story of Mars Base Sara. It had been the first time the RDF had fought
against Khyron, and the crew and civilians on board the SDF-1 had almost joined
the nameless dead on the red planet. Well, almost nameless. Rick briefly
mentioned the rescue of Lisa Hayes that he had performed, rescuing her from the
cabin of her long-dead fiancee before the whole base blew itself apart. He
wanted to dwell on his personal heroism as little as possible, but Sue urged
him on, asking questions and guiding the interview in a way that made it
impossible to get away from his own story. Her determination was a little
unnerving, and, well, Rick saw something in her eyes he just couldn't put his
finger on.

He supposed it was her style. When he had once told her that his life story was
insignificant compared to the battles that had been fought, she had told him,"
But Admiral, your life IS the Robotech War." He wasn't sure what she meant by
that, but the weight he sometimes felt on his shoulders seemed to agree with
her.
Still, he was never too comfortable talking about himself when the camera was
on.
When he was finished talking about the heroics on Mars Base, her questions
turned to a more personal nature. "Admiral," she asked him, "is this when your
feelings towards Admiral Hunter-Hayes changed?"

He noticed that she never said "your wife" or "Mrs. Hunter" when speaking about
Lisa on camera, and even off camera, for that matter. He supposed it was a
common journalistic practice.
He smiled. "No, to be honest with you, our relationship at the time was still
purely on a professional level. I was still lovesick for Minmei. I'm really not
sure when I fell in love with Lisa. It just kind of happened. We didn't start
off on the right foot, as I've told you, but we grew close. I remember one day
I was faced with the prospect of not seeing her anymore, and I knew I'd miss
her. It just happened." Again, she had that look. He wondered if what was
troubling her when she came in was still on her mind.

"Do you regret that nothing became of you and Minmei?" she asked with a sudden
interest that took Rick by suprise.
"Uh, is the camera still on?" he asked, feigning shock. "Minmei and I, well,
you could say that we were star-crossed lovers. She became a star, and I fought
among them. Now, I won't lie to you. Minmei will always have a special place in
my heart. We went through a lot together. There was even a time when I thought
we would die together. But regrets? No. I don't have any. I'm a better person
for knowing her. A lot better person. Do you know how many guys on board the
SDF-1 would've traded places with me, stuck in a hold with Minmei for a week?"

They laughed and talked like this for a while, and Rick began to realize how
much of his personal life was the war. Fate had put him in the middle of
everything. This fact depressed him somewhat, so he steered the conversation
away from his personal life. She asked him some questions about the SDF-1's
return to Earth, and then she asked him something he really had to think about.

"Admiral Hunter," she asked, "what is the one thing that you will remember when
all is said and done?"
Rick swiveled around in the oversized executive chair and faced the huge
picture window that served as the backdrop. He thought long and hard before he
could answer her. "I don't know if there is any one thing. You see, none of us
ever wanted this, no, these wars. I would have been perfectly contented to fly
the skies at home in my fanjet. I probably would be running my dad's flying
circus by now. Hell, Roy Fokker would probably even be running it with me. When
the Visitor came, the Visitor that we now know was the SDF-1, everything, and I
mean everthing, changed. Look out that window." He motioned towards Tirol.
"What do you see? A planet, a part of the universe never before imagined, never
before even considered. I was nine years old in 1999, when the Visitor came. We
had no idea that the arrival of the ship would mean an end of life as we knew
it. We had no idea whatsoever what was in store for us. The last thirty years
have taught us a lot of things that we didn't know about ourselves, and caused
us to appreciate things we previously took for granted..." He let this last
sentence die out. He didn't think it needed to be finished.

He slowly turned his chair to face her, ready to apologize for not really
answering her question. What he saw when he turned around, though, left him
speechless.
She was still sitting there, listening to him, but her appearance had changed.
Rick noticed she had let her dark hair down, and it clung to the edge of her
face and cascaded down her shoulders like a bridal veil that has been pulled
back so that a kiss could consummate the ceremony. The front of her tight body
suit was unzipped, plunging low between her breasts and leaving nothing to the
imagination. She certainly was not wearing the standard issue RDF support
garments.

But it wasn't the beautiful way she looked with her hair down, or the feeling
of pure lust that she was beginning to stir in him that stunned him.

It was the look in her eyes.
He had looked into her eyes many times during their sessions together. Her
beautiful green eyes were like that proverbial window into her soul. In them,
he had seen her sorrow, her understanding, her pity, her admiration, and her
determination.
This was the first time he had ever seen hunger in them.
She stood up slowly. "Admiral. I want to tell you something." He averted his
gaze from her eyes for a moment and looked at her hands. They were trembling.
He noticed that her whole body was slightly trembling, as if what she was
telling him now was a matter of life or death. In some ways, it was.

"Admiral Hunter, I have known you, I have watched you from afar since we left
Earth some years ago. I have listened to you tell your life to me. I have
shared your triumphs and agonies with you. And now, I want to share in your
pleasures." Her nervous hands made their way to her body suit zipper and guided
it down further, moving like a serpent, down past her navel. Rick stared at her
smooth, pink stomach as if it were a fruit that was forbidden to him.

She slowly walked towards him, eyes locked on to his, burning deep into his
soul. Although he knew that it was wrong, deep down inside he could not bring
himself to stop her. He had been shot at, shot down, captured, even near death
a couple of times, but in his life he had never know the thrill and the danger
of seduction.

She stood over him, straddling his knees as he sat in his chair. She reached
down and put her hands on his shoulders, whispering in his ears. "Admiral
Hunter, I know you, I know what you want, I know what you need. And I know what
I can give you."

And with that, she kissed him.
Oh, what a kiss it was! Rick could feel it charging up and down his spine. He
could feel the years of passion that had been welling up inside of her. There
was electricity in her kiss, and he could feel it jumping off her tongue into
his mouth. He couldn't help but return her kiss.
A million things bombarded his senses as they kissed. The apple-scented body
spray she wore made its way to his head and fueled his feelings more. He loved
the sound of her hurried breaths between kisses. He could feel her pressing
herself against him, her arms pulling him closer. In his mind, he could see
himself sweeping her up in his arms, carrying her into his quarters, laying her
on his bed, kissing her ivory neck and moving lower, much lower...

He got caught up in her passion. She was beautiful. She was young. She was
exciting. She wanted him. She...
She wasn't Lisa.

With that sudden thought ripping though him, he put his hands on her shoulders
and gently pushed her off of him. She sensed that something was wrong and
backed off.
He looked her in the eyes. "Lieutenant Graham, this is wrong. I am a married
man. Married men don't do this kind of thing." He made the decision he knew he
had to make right then and there. "Lieutenant, I think it best that we stop
meeting."
He watched as her face and eyes turned red. He could see little tears welling
up in the corner of her eyes, but he wasn't sure if they were from sorrow or
embarrassment. She quickly zipped up her body suit. "Well, Admiral, I'm afraid
to say that you will be getting your wish," she said in a voice barely above a
whisper. There was sadness in her voice." I just got new orders today. I've
been reassigned to the Jupiter Attack Group."

Rick was surprised. The Jupiter Group would be leaving in two weeks to return
to Earth as the second wave in the assault to retake the planet from the Invid
who controlled it now. They would be better equipped than the ill-fated Mars
Division. Rick was surprised that his personal photographer, who was exempt
from such duty, would be assigned to an attack group. It just didn't happen.
Unless, of course, someone purposely assigned her to the group.

She quickly began to pack up her equipment. "Admiral Hunter, I'm very sorry. I
wasn't thinking. I should have known better," she mumbled. Rick was silent,
watching her pack, still a bit stunned.
She put everything away, slinging the bag over her back. She looked like she
wanted to run, and, given the circumstances, he couldn't blame her.
But she didn't run. Instead, she walked over next to him. He stood up, unsure
of what she was going to do.

She didn't do anything but talk. "Admiral, I,- I want to thank you for your
help on my project. I really mean it. The documentary on the SDF-3 is finished,
and the one on the SDF-1 is almost finished, thanks to you. I appreciate all
you have done." She was very professional in her speech, lacking her usual
warmth.

"I also want to apologize for my behavior. I didn't mean to-" She paused, and
Rick saw a peaceful look take over her features. "No, that would be lying.
Admiral, I meant everything I said. I do love you. I know you could never love
me, but I will always love you. I'll be thinking of you when I'm gone. I
suppose this is the last time we'll see each other, at least until the Earth is
free."
He nodded. "Lieutenant, you'll do a great job. You always do."

"Thank you," she replied, wiping back tears. She saluted. "I'll do my best to
get you the information you need. After all, that's my job, right?"

"Right."

She reached out and touched his chin, caressing the side of his face
wordlessly. He watched a big fat tear roll down her cheek as she turned to go.

She stopped at the door before it opened and turned back to face him.
"Good-bye, Rick."
He caught her lapse in protocol but he didn't, he couldn't, return it. Instead,
he saluted. "Lieutenant Graham, good luck."

He could hear her sobs in the distance as she ran down the hall.
Looking out the window, he watched the Shadow Fighters run through a new set of
battle formations. His mind, however, was millions of miles away, lost in
thought, lost in the past. In some ways, he wanted nothing more than forget the
past twenty years, but at the same time he knew the past twenty years made him
what he was today. Every memory, from Minmei's eyes to Graham's electric
kisses, made him who he was. Still, it wasn't easy. In his mind, he still saw
that raw recruit who had spent the night before his first mission worrying
about meeting death face to face. A look in the mirror today told him
otherwise.

He reached over his desk to his computer terminal and accessed the ship's
library. He searched through the audio files, under late twentieth century
music (He had been doing this a lot lately. It brought back memories of his
father's music collection). When he found what he was looking for, he clicked
"play," and the sounds of the song he selected filled the room's speaker
system.

He listened to the singer mournfully remember his younger days, his life in
simpler times, the changes he went through that he could not foresee. Rick
listened to the words carefully, and felt like they were speaking to him. He
could relate to them, he could have wrote them. He knew what it truly felt like
to be running against the wind.